My Lack of Faith- By ISA

I am very sorry to miss writing my blog the last few weeks....I am really sorry without excuse.
Reading through all of your writings, I am so encouraged and impressed by many of the convictions you share. You all give me wonderful spiritual lessons.

This time I would like to open up myself a bit.

Last week I had a talk with Bowie about Faith. She encouraged me to read Hebrews about the faith of the spiritual Masters in the scriptures and learn from them. I remember a few months ago, Sai had told me to understand more about grace; a year ago Candice had told me to read Hebrews on faith as well; and while I was in single BT, my discipler, Mary, had told me to grow in "Humble Faith". It hits my face that my "lack of faith" had been in my heart for so long and it is a big stone in my obstacle to grow and build up relationship with God. I know I have been struggling with this for a long time without effect and my failure bring down my faith further.

Um...it takes me more than courage to confess that...
Sometimes I feel so shameful that I am thinking of repentance many times without really changing. Many times I meet with the eyes of those who know me and sees through my lack of faith and I just turn away in fear. So often I have thousands of negetive thoughts in my mind to keep me silent because I am busy feeling bad about myself.
Countless moments I ponder on faith and I realise that I have none....and it is so painful to realise that...just like hopelessly dead.

And the horrible fear!!.....I scare myself and the fear scares me. Brutally stab a knife into my heart. (What is happening to me?)
Am I going to overcome all that? How? Sometimes I feel so powerless, what source of strenght can I find?
If in my sin I have do this and let this happen to myself, what can I do to un-do it? Confess? Repent? Make decision? Persever? Believe?

Hope that I would come back to my sense, no, to God's sense! Look towards Him for grace and love, peace and righteousness. I would have to be humble and soft heart to listen to Him.
Bowie, thanks, for listening to me and gives me valuable advices I needed most. I would keep on reflecting on that. Sai, thanks for your concern and encouragement, I receive from heart although I do not respond much. Sonia, thanks for talking with me and always supporting me. Thanks to all of you as well, your kindness are God's grace shown to me, demonstrating to me that His never failing love would sustain me.

Hope that I am walking on the right track this time. If it is, this road of faith recovery would be no easy for me. My prayer is weak. Please pray for me.

Hope I do not sound too discouraging. I am afraid to hurt anyone. Excuse me if you find me not understandable.